Under Construction

There’s nothing I hate worse than feeling embarrassed, humiliated and exposed. It's like standing in the check out line with a bunch of items only to realize you don't have any money...and everyone's waiting impatiently behind you. It’s a feeling like being walked in on as you are getting out of the shower or of someone catching you in the act of something you didn't want everyone to see. What I felt this morning could compare in some ways, but more accurately, it’s like the feeling you get when you think of how God would feel if He actually walked in on something you were doing that in your heart you knew you shouldn’t be. You’d feel embarrassed and exposed, and even on some level..angry. Maybe you’d want to be angry with Him..for walking in on you, for exposing you, for making you feel vulnerable...but how could you be angry when you are the one responsible?

That’s the ugly; the beauty in the situation is that now it’s all out in the open, you can fix it. You can change and rearrange; modify this, tinker with that; do whatever’s necessary to make sure that if this area was opened up again, you would feel at ease. No worries because you’ve been working on it. It may not be perfect, but at least you are trying. That’s the beauty.

I read in a horoscope (mine) a while back that people don’t tend to change until they are in crisis mode...until the worst is about to happen, the other shoe’s about to drop, then they want to do something about their situation. Other times, it’s not until the most dreaded has happened that one steps to the plate to make changes. It’s really too late at that point to save what you had. If things have been bad for a while, then there’s nothing to be done to keep this person/place/thing in your life. The trick is to be proactive and head situations off at the pass. That could mean finally taking the time necessary to clean up whatever mess it is that you’ve made before someone/something comes along and forces you to. Take ownership of your weaknesses and work on making them strengths. Or risk experiencing those feelings again.

September is usually my time for reflection. Most of the time it’s been about my life overall. Am I satisfied w/my life? What areas can I improve upon? Where should I be more consistent? Stuff like that. This time, it’s a little different. I feel more of a yearning, a longing for more. More out of life, more out of career, more out of everything...and I want to have that. In the book I’m reading, CHOOSE ME by Xenia Ruiz, a statement jumped out at me, and I was feeling it, b/c it pretty much hit the nail on the head of my spirit. It read, “The power of life and death might be on the tongue, but the power of happiness and discontent [is] in the mind.”

I have to swish that around in my mind for a while...