Relishing This Indian Summer

Sometimes I think about what could have been when the load I carry seems a bit heavier than before. Very often I wish that I could share the burden of expenses (this is no cheap place to live) so my life could be just that [ ] much easier and not as overwhelming. I could have been married by now. One of my ex’s had talked about getting married even though he was in NC in the armed forces and I had just moved to the city. He would’ve been able to get a living stipend to cover some of my rent. I know, it’s like, what the hell is wrong w/you that you so willingly walked away from that. My answer: Even though I cared about him a lot, he got on my nerves and I fell out of “love”. “Love” as in the idealized version of love. In addition to just being young and selfish, I constantly tried to mold him into what I wanted him to be rather than simply accepting him as he was. In truth, he’s better off w/someone who can do that; I’m better off living that lesson. Hopefully I will have the good sense to put it into practice, not just for a man, but for everyone. People are who they are, and if they change it should be b/c they want to, not b/c you want them to. It’s usually only when I feel burdened by everything that I think this way...allow myself to imagine idealized and romanticized scenarios of what a better life would be. There are things that I want to change, but am not sure how to and other things that I’m afraid to change. At times I think I’ve been sitting still too long...

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This is ENJOY AUTUMN week for me. The plan was to do something in the city every night this week, and hope that I live to tell the tale, lol. Well, I went out last night to Bogart’s, and had a great time. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it turned out okay. Dancing is my thing, so as long as I get to do that, I’m good. And dance I did, LOL. I wore one of the brothas out and got myself a healthy dose of exercise. :) (I don’t exercise, and that is another story by itself...) I hadn’t planned to have too much fun, but somehow it crept up on me, lol. Thanks, girlie for such a good time.

Tonight is for rest, recovery and maintenance. I’d only slept for a few hours last night, but managed to make it through today. And I am still surprised that I’ve held up as well as I have w/out the aid of any stimulants. I kid you not! I haven’t had any caffeine today, and I’ve stayed awake all day. There was a moment that I almost folded, but a few ppl came by to speak w/me, and that helped. I’m not completely crazy, and I’m not in my 20s anymore so I am consigned to acknowledge my limitations. Tomorrow w/b something mellow and relaxed, most likely cultural and Thursday is a concert. So far, things are looking really good...