In the Name of Love

One of my friends has a sister who had a really horrible experience with an African man. Since my interests may lie with someone of the same or similar background, her advice to me was to "please be very careful". She did acknowledge that this advice was unsolicited and that she knows nothing about this person, but she felt compelled to share this with me out of concern.

All in all, I appreciate her concern and told her this, and that I understood that we all have (or had) perceptions about Africans, specifically the men, and everyone is entitled to his or her own view. Personally, I don't want to be judged based on what anyone thinks of Black Americans, especially the bad, and I don't want to do that to someone else. It's almost akin to the woman who continually chooses wrong man after wrong man, then all men become dogs. But does that make them all dogs? I would say not. Sometimes we have to take a step back and look at ourselves to see what's really going on.

I would be misrepresenting myself if I made it seem like I don't have prejudices, because I do. And some, to be quite honest, I hold fast to because in my opinion, they keep me safe. But, I am working on this.

My friend isn't a bad person, just very concerned for me. Her views are based on her own experiences and what she knows from African friends and her sister, and I won't take anything away from that. The only thing I don't like is feeling like whatever resentment she may have toward African men in totality is being projected on to me. She promptly let me know that even if I am wrong about this man and he breaks my heart, she'll still be there for me.

That made me angry, but email is email, and who knows the tone she intended (though I know her pretty well, and surmise that my first impression is the correct one). I responded to her in a kind way, but dammit if I didn't suppress my desire to express that anger---damn the non-confrontational me! I have got to work on that!!

Anyway, in the end, people are people---good, bad and otherwise---and while culture and sometimes race plays an intricate role in who we are, so does upbringing and taking responsibility for ourselves and who we choose to become involved with.

I would think that we all want to be taken for who we are as individuals...

Do you think broad-based views on race and culture cloud our perceptions of people or truly enlighten us?

Sometimes It's Hard To Let Go

Recently I decided to tell someone I had started dating that I no longer wanted to date him.

We hadn't been going out that long, so I figured that if I distanced myself that he'd "get the hint". Something happened that changed my mind about him, though my feelings had started to change a little while prior to this incident. But, I had chosen to stick around to see if maybe I wasn't giving him a fair shake or didn't have an open mind. Well, things had deteriorated, and I felt I just had to let this thing go.

He continued to live as if we were still going on as usual even though I no longer called (except to return a call of his with the intent of telling him it was over, which didn't end up happening) or made any attempt at contact. He sent an email recently that I decided to answer and say without saying explicitly that we were done. I guess he didn't catch the finality of what I wrote since he called that night. It was then that I just sucked up my anxiety about this situation, and told him that we could be friends, but that would be it.

I could tell that he was really hurt, but there wasn't anything that I could do about that. I didn't intend him to be hurt, but what could I do? So he sends me another email today expressing his hurt and other thoughts and feelings, and I can appreciate his need for closure and to express what he's thinking. But, something he wrote kind of rubbed me the wrong way (which is no surprise to me):

"I am very mature to not hold things against you because I am on an entire different level when it comes to being understanding."

Granted, this is just one sentence out of the entire message, but it just amazes me how he only now chooses to reflect back on how things were going between us and is just now making a connection between the deterioration and what recently transpired. As far as I'm concerned, there isn't anything for him to hold againtst me. And of course, I'd say that. Yes, I could have expressed what I felt initially about us, but I chose to wait, to see what would happen. I second-guessed and invalidated my feelings the first time, and I have to unlearn this behavior...definitely one of many lessons for me.

Communication is a challenge for me...period, especially when I'm upset or have to say uncomfortable or difficult things. Then it's hard for me to express myself. But I know that's something I have to find ways to work on and improve.

But this doesn't change the fact that I believe he lives in a world of delusion, his perception of reality clouded by his fantasies of what he wants to see. I haven't shown that in this post because 1) I don't want to go into detail, and 2) I know I'll come off like I'm bad mouthing him, and I don't want to do that. He is a nice guy...a good guy; just not the guy for me.

I'm not going to respond to his last email because I don't have to explain or justify my decision.

He has to let go, and so do I.