Excuse Me...I'm Having a Moment

Just finished reading some credit management articles, and let's just say I am quite depressed right about now! LOL I already know that I have lots of work to do if I am going to be in a position to purchase a home (or anything substantial) one day. However, after doing my debt-ratio, consolidation options, and credit risk evaluations, let's just say that helpless is another word to join the former to give a clue as to where I am right now.

Thoughts like, am I EVER gonna get out of debt have definitely plagued me. My next (and sadly, most natural response) is to get the hell out of dodge! I run when things are too much for me to digest all at once. Retreat! Retreat! is the call that goes out to my emotions and my mentals. Gotta cut my losses and just deal with this crap LATER!

However, at some point, I come out of this den of seclusion with some bright ideas on how to solve my problems (financial, men, career, personal) with some sort of quick-fix, half-azzed solution. Maybe my ideas aren't *that* bad, but I am low on discipline, stamina, longevity and commitment...all the sure-fire ingredients needed in order to make my plans actually work for me.

** One day I will get my shiznit together and make shite happen.**

Maybe one day my prince will come (working on getting rid of *that* lame fantasy!) or that I'll win the lottery (magically, somehow b/c I don't play) or some 5-digit benevolence will come my way (I'm aiming low...it could possibly happen...plus, I don't want 2b greedy!)

or, MAYbeeeee...(see **)

To Cliche or Not To Cliche

While we were riding in her car on my last visit home, one of my best friends asked me if I thought there was any truth to the phrase: "before you can really love anyone, you have to first love yourself."

I'm sure people have heard this a lot, and probably have often said it themselves without truly understanding what they're saying. The same goes with "you need to 'work' on yourself." That's probably my favorite, next to "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger." That depends on whether "kill" is meant literally or figuratively. I have yet to hear someone specify. LOL

We've heard these phrases plenty of times, bantered about and portrayed as insight and advice regarding someone else's situation. When my friend asked me this, I had to sit back and think for a bit. Did I really believe that there was a kernel of truth to this saying because there actually was, or because I've heard it so much that I just assume it's true?

I felt that it was true, and the example I gave her was of a vessel, or container. If it's empty, then what can be poured out of it into another container? Nothing. In order to share what you have, you must first be filled with something. The hope is that it's filled with healthy things. And looking at it from a different angle, it may be a little better to be empty than to fill other containers with whatever crap that has been allowed to accumulate. But either way, emptiness is only the lesser of two evils. One might be so desperate in trying to fill its own container, that in doing so, takes savagely with sub-standard giving in return.

Loving oneself, and I mean, REALLY loving oneself (unconditionally), is not an easy thing. Unconditional love requires total acceptance of one's own flaws, shortcomings, deficiencies and ugliness that makes us human, as well as the strengths, goodness, adequacies and beauty, which makes us divine. To know oneself is to aid in self-acceptance because how can you accept that which is unknown? Sometimes other people show us things in ourselves that we may not have otherwise recognized, and other times it's situations or challenges. Self-acceptance is a process; a state of mind and of being.

Accept and love yourself, and you just might be able to selflessly love others.

Abyss

...and I neglected to read the label
carefully examine the contents
consider the contraindications
heed the side effects, adverse reactions
and internalize the warnings

If I could sedate my mind
It would tranquilize the anguish;
still the writhing; silence my screams
alleviate the asphyxiation and
somehow scrape away the past

If I could slow my heartbeat
lower my blood pressure
numb the aching; stop what's hurting
just to get a handle on the symptoms
I'd consider selling my soul...

**************************************

The eyes are the windows to one's soul
You helped him see right through you.
Failed to disguise the suffering girl in your eyes
crying out for help, but really only used to being abused.
Make no mistake. It's obvious to the well-trained eye
and the senstive ear of someone looking to get inside
with the guise of relief from the let-downs, the guilt and hurt
to someone who already believes the worst,
and in her eyes, sees herself as diminished
with barely any value and zero self-worth---
easy pickings for this jerk---to be let down, chipped away at...
damaged goods from birth, he says.
You were deceived like Eve
by the serpent in the trees by your greed
when all along you possessed everything
you could possibly need.

***************************************

While this is sure to sound pretty dramatic,
there have been a couple losses in my adult life
that I didn't think I would ever recover from
emotionally. The first time, I medicated with
men and dating but the second I approached with
prayer. I've found that I feel so much more free
the second time around.

Wow! When I think about the messages
gleaned from those experiences...

Journey...

...to a place which transcends time and space
of fluid expression from your core;
deeper meaning inner being, third eye seeing
living from the inside out with clarity

**************************